I think I am, therefore, I am... I think. - George Carlin
I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker. - George Carlin
How is it possible to have a civil war? - George Carlin
You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montana, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time. - George Carlin
Keep thy religion to thyself. - George Carlin
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff. - George Carlin
It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot. - George Carlin
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity. - George Carlin
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. - George Carlin
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be. - George Carlin
You're just another american who is willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick being shoved up your asshole every day... The owners of this country know the truth... it's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it! - George Carlin
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. - George Carlin
I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? - George Carlin
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. - George Carlin
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. - George Carlin
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. - George Carlin
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. - George Carlin
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. - George Carlin
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? - George Carlin
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. - George Carlin
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure. - George Carlin
Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you. - George Carlin
It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya. - George Carlin
I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic. - George Carlin
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions. - George Carlin
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? - George Carlin
I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up. - George Carlin
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain. - George Carlin
Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed. - George Carlin
As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up. - George Carlin
Life.....is a series of dogs. - George Carlin
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? - George Carlin
It's never just a game when you're winning. - George Carlin
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. - George Carlin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. - George Carlin
Life is sacred"? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death! Has been for thousands of years! Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians; all taking turns killing each other because God told 'em it was a good idea. - George Carlin
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. - George Carlin
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. - George Carlin
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything. - George Carlin
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. - George Carlin
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity. - George Carlin
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? - George Carlin
Bullshit is the glue that binds us as a nation. - George Carlin
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? - George Carlin
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? - George Carlin
I think we’re part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand; a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn’t punish, it doesn’t reward, it doesn’t judge at all. It just is. - George Carlin
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. - George Carlin
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it. - George Carlin
He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly. - George Carlin
What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job! - George Carlin
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood. - George Carlin
Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes. - George Carlin
Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker? - George Carlin
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. - George Carlin
[On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German. - George Carlin
You know what these God Bless America people oughta do? They oughta check with that Jesus fellow they’re so crazy about. They’re always talking about What would Jesus do? They don’t wanna know so they can do it – they just wanna know so they can tell other people to do it! - George Carlin
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. - George Carlin
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. - George Carlin
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck - George Carlin
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning. - George Carlin
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. - George Carlin
Meow means woof in cat. - George Carlin
Life is tough, then you die. - George Carlin
And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? 'All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again.' That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was. - George Carlin
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted? - George Carlin
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. - George Carlin
I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions. - George Carlin
Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it. - George Carlin
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? - George Carlin
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. - George Carlin
If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase. - George Carlin
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. - George Carlin
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions. - George Carlin
A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed. - George Carlin
The planet is fine. The people are fucked. - George Carlin
Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind. - George Carlin
I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam. - George Carlin
Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. - George Carlin
Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom - George Carlin
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions. - George Carlin
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" - George Carlin
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem. - George Carlin
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac? - George Carlin
Its never just a game when you're winning. - George Carlin
You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with. - George Carlin
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. - George Carlin
How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies. - George Carlin
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept. - George Carlin
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. - George Carlin
Electricity is really just organized lightning - George Carlin
I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free. - George Carlin
Words are all we have, really. We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid. Then we assign a word to a thought and we're stuck with that word for that thought, so be careful with words. I like to think that the same words that hurt can heal. It’s a matter of how you pick them. - George Carlin
There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords. - George Carlin
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? - George Carlin
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. - George Carlin
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done." - George Carlin
Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. - George Carlin
A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. it's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth. - George Carlin